I don’t really know where to begin. I feel like I have written and rewritten this and yet cannot find the words, the reasoning, that I want to give. These last few days I feel like I have woven my way in and out of sadness and joy, pain and comfort, confusion and certainty.
You know a year ago, if I had been in the place that I am in now, I don’t think I would understand, because my world back then consisted of only black and white. God has been adding gray tones and throwing me off what I thought was the only truth about Him. He says “who knows the mind of God, or who has ever instructed Him?” I haven’t. I used to like to fit God into a box that I could understand, but God has broken that box. I’ve been limiting him. Because you see when God is in a box, he is predictable, he is understandable, but outside of a box he is dangerous, he is too far beyond us. Like C.S. Lewis wrote depicting the Jesus character in his beloved “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe”, Jesus Christ isn’t safe – he is a roaring lion – but He is good, and He is the King.
I don’t understand his ways. I don’t. I have only begun to scratch the surface, and I think God reminds me of that by bringing me into times of brokenness. In those moments, all I have is Him. It leads me to the throne of grace, to sit before the king, and ask him, and inquire of his being and all that he is.
God has brought me back into one of those times. Two nights ago, one of our babies died. Her name was Margaret and she was three months old. Margaret was a Down syndrome baby and was two months premature. She came to Amecet the day of her birth when her mother died, but she never took to the treatment we gave her, and after the first two months she stopped eating on her own. We began feeding her through a tube, but Margaret never progressed. Last week, Margaret got pneumonia and her little lungs couldn’t handle the stress. We put her on oxygen, but her body wasn’t adjusting and her little heart couldn’t cope with the trauma.
I stayed up with her all night while Els, the director of Amecet, was in and out. Her heart beat was very irregular and at two o’clock in the morning, her heart stopped. Margaret fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I’ve never experienced death that close before. I know that Margaret is in Jesus’ arms right now. She doesn’t have Down syndrome anymore and she doesn’t have pain anymore. I know that Jesus saw her in her pain and said “You’ve endured enough, come home,” and I know that he is good.
But her death broke me. It broke many of the staff’s heart. It broke her father’s heart – she was his only daughter, his only family left. I don’t understand that. I am still working through this. It brought me back to the throne of grace, back into a place where I am pressing into Him. I am weak now, I am broken, but I am not destroyed. Like the psalmist wrote, “You have shown me many troubles of all kinds. But you will make me strong again. And you will bring me up again from deep in the earth.” Psalm 71:20
Learning brokenness,
Pressing into Him,
Lauren
You know a year ago, if I had been in the place that I am in now, I don’t think I would understand, because my world back then consisted of only black and white. God has been adding gray tones and throwing me off what I thought was the only truth about Him. He says “who knows the mind of God, or who has ever instructed Him?” I haven’t. I used to like to fit God into a box that I could understand, but God has broken that box. I’ve been limiting him. Because you see when God is in a box, he is predictable, he is understandable, but outside of a box he is dangerous, he is too far beyond us. Like C.S. Lewis wrote depicting the Jesus character in his beloved “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe”, Jesus Christ isn’t safe – he is a roaring lion – but He is good, and He is the King.
I don’t understand his ways. I don’t. I have only begun to scratch the surface, and I think God reminds me of that by bringing me into times of brokenness. In those moments, all I have is Him. It leads me to the throne of grace, to sit before the king, and ask him, and inquire of his being and all that he is.
God has brought me back into one of those times. Two nights ago, one of our babies died. Her name was Margaret and she was three months old. Margaret was a Down syndrome baby and was two months premature. She came to Amecet the day of her birth when her mother died, but she never took to the treatment we gave her, and after the first two months she stopped eating on her own. We began feeding her through a tube, but Margaret never progressed. Last week, Margaret got pneumonia and her little lungs couldn’t handle the stress. We put her on oxygen, but her body wasn’t adjusting and her little heart couldn’t cope with the trauma.
I stayed up with her all night while Els, the director of Amecet, was in and out. Her heart beat was very irregular and at two o’clock in the morning, her heart stopped. Margaret fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I’ve never experienced death that close before. I know that Margaret is in Jesus’ arms right now. She doesn’t have Down syndrome anymore and she doesn’t have pain anymore. I know that Jesus saw her in her pain and said “You’ve endured enough, come home,” and I know that he is good.
But her death broke me. It broke many of the staff’s heart. It broke her father’s heart – she was his only daughter, his only family left. I don’t understand that. I am still working through this. It brought me back to the throne of grace, back into a place where I am pressing into Him. I am weak now, I am broken, but I am not destroyed. Like the psalmist wrote, “You have shown me many troubles of all kinds. But you will make me strong again. And you will bring me up again from deep in the earth.” Psalm 71:20
Learning brokenness,
Pressing into Him,
Lauren
1 comment:
Hi Lauren,
Thanks for sharing your authentic journey. There are two promises that bring me comfort when I ask "Why?" (daily, sometimes hourly.) They are:
Ecclesiastes 3 (all of it, but especially): "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men,; yet they cannot fathom what God is doing from beginning to end." Death feels so WRONG because we are MADE for Forever....eternal beings.
That is coupled with a New Testament promise.
1 Corinthians 13:12
12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
I take this to mean that here on earth, we can't fathom what God is doing, and can't see how beautiful it is. But I cling to the promise that one day I will know fully, and so will you.
Many blessings on your journey.
Martie
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